My real-life anxiety dream

You know those dreams you have where you’re at some meeting at work and you’re delivering this really great speech about a work-related topic in a clever way that no one has thought about before, but then you start noticing that everyone is looking at you strangely? And then you start to stumble over your words and your eyes fly from one coworker to the next and finally down onto yourself and your naked? But then you wake up?

I went through something on the same mortification level this weekend, except for the waking up part.

I was in the grocery store on Saturday morning and everything was going normally. I collected a big basket of food items and headed to the checkout lines. It was the weekend and busy and I had to wait a pretty long time to get to the front. As the woman is scanning my groceries and putting them in bags, I reach into my satchel and find… nothing. No wallet, no keys, no phone, no credit cards.

My mind flashes back to the night before, when I cleverly placed my vital satchel items into a smaller purse before we went on a walk. “I’m so clever,” I remembered thinking to myself. “This purse is much smaller and lighter than my normal satchel, and will therefore be easier and more comfortable to carry on a walk.”

Back in line at the grocery store, I rooted around in my satchel looking for anything that might help me. Finally, among the gum wrappers and pen caps, I find my rarely-used checkbook. I think that I’m saved, until the cashier tells me she needs to see my drivers’ license (vital item located in small clever purse) or my PathMark Membership Card (item attached to vital item keychain in small clever purse).

I tell her that I’ve forgotten my wallet, that I don’t have any money, and she looks at me as if I were telling her a bald-faced lie. I ask if she can type in my phone number, but by this point the long line behind me has lost their patience. The man directly behind me utters the most horrible thing a stranger can say: “COME ON LADY!”

It’s at this point that I check to see if I’m wearing clothes. After the initial COME ON LADY other people in line start to yell. Then the cashier asks me what she’s supposed to do with my groceries and has to void all of the sales. I’m trying to explain why I’m such an idiot, I try to tell them that I’ve been to the grocery store successfully thousands of times without incident and actually I’m really good at grocery stores, but really I mostly start to tear up and babble something about my vital items.

I rush home, cry at Ben for a few minutes (who can’t help but ask where my groceries are), collect my vital satchel items, and then have to go to the grocery store again because we need food. This time I get in a different line, as if that were the problem. 

But it was really just like those anxiety dreams where for a long time after you wake up, you feel unsure of yourself and skittish and defensive. It was actually weekend-ruining. I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything or answer the phone. I just wanted to barricade myself in the apartment, not buying things or running into people who might call me LADY.

Kittens in the Night

Despite over salting the lamb, my friend date went well. The reason the friend date happened in the first place is because we have a lot of similar interests and goals – so a night of talking about writing, books, and our somewhat impossible hopes and aspirations was surprisingly comfortable and effortless. And the wine helped. We’re even going to do it again sometime.

But – after the leftovers were put away and dishes were rinsed but left in the sink, after I had crawled into bed and fallen asleep, I started hearing these noises. Around two in the morning, I woke up to something but was too sleepy to place what it was. Over the next few hours it kept happening until around four when I blinked mostly awake and recognized what the sound was: kittens crying in the night.

I went over to the window (where Ripley was already investigating the situation from the comfort of her office) and there they were – three very upset mewing kittens sitting on the sidewalk across the street, and only a few nights after my eagle scientist dream filled with kittens in need.

I didn’t know what to do – I didn’t know why they were upset or what their situation was. Where they abandoned, either by their mother or by some human? Were they healthy? Were they friendly? If I saved them, where would I save them to?

I called Ben, who is away in Florida this week covering the IFL Championships. Even though he was, of course, mostly asleep, he urged me not to save the kittens as it would be a danger to Ripley and maybe myself and because it was the middle of the night in New York. I could call someone about it in the morning. And of course he was right.

But I got back into bed and couldn’t sleep with all of the continued mewing and general kitten excitement. I got up, threw on some clothes and walked outside. As soon as I took a step toward them the little guys scattered in three directions, a little older than I thought they were and thin as lines. There was clearly no way that I could save them even if I wanted to. I got back into bed and the mewing started about five minutes later. I couldn’t fall back to sleep for the rest of the night.

This morning on my way to work there was no sign of them.

I have the same helpless feeling that I did in my dream a few nights ago – just that the world is too complicated to run around saving things in any sort of simple way and that saving or not saving something has so much selfishness in it however you look at it.

I remember way back to this time in Grinnell when I was living in a big, old house on Broad Street. My boyfriend had graduated that spring (along with most of my friends) and had moved to Chicago the day before, leaving me a lonely mess. I was crying in my big white empty bed that night and looked up to see a big white stray tom cat staring at me from my window. I opened the window and the cat jumped onto my bed. I was so, so, instantly happy and as I petted him I was thinking about how he was a sign or symbol or something. About an hour later I noticed that both the big white cat and my big white bed were crawling in fleas – dozens and dozens of black dots disappearing and reappearing as they jumped.

Eagle Scientist

I had a vivid dream last night that I was an eagle scientist – an innovative and extremely professional eagle scientist lucky enough to be chosen by some sort of eagle scientist committee to study a newly discovered type of eagle. I was honored.

These new and rare eagles nested at the tops very high trees and almost everything about their way of life was shrouded in mystery. The few glimpses we did get were truly majestic and I itched to learn more – how did they interact socially? When were they active? What did their diet consist of?

Being so very innovative, I soon rigged a perch for myself that looked down on several nests. It was very clever of me and the eagle scientist committee was pleased with their decision to nominate me.

But – putting the binoculars up to my face and looking down into the nests for the first time I was horrified to discover what these special, rare, majesty eagles were eating. Kittens.

Each of the nests contained several of them – for some reason they brought the kittens unharmed to their nests and kept them alive until they were hungry. The kittens sat in the huge nests stoically, with their adorable oversized ears and downy-soft kitten fur. They stood at attention slowly blinking their big kitten eyes and every now and again letting out little mews – not worried or desperate mews, but calm, innocent mews.

I was flooded with mixed emotions. This was an enormous discovery – perhaps important enough for me to win the annual eagle scientist award given to the eagle scientist who most advanced the study of eagles, the Nobel Prize of the eagle scientist community. Interfering with the eagle’s way of life would certainly not only ruin all of my eagle research but also ruin my reputation permanently. On the other hand, they were eating kittens! Adorably well-behaved kittens!

I sat in my perch day after day, watching kittens disappear and be replaced by different but equally innocent and stoic kittens. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking it: what if I saved just one kitten. Just one. The inner conflict was tearing me apart. Just one. Just one kitten.

I woke up extremely affected and the dream sort of floated around me for hours, like some dreams do. What does it mean? Was my subconscious telling me about my issues separating my career (eagle scientist) with my emotions (loving kittens)? Am I about to make a terrifying discovery in my own life? Do I just simply love kittens?