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One of the articles I read about cat diets talked about how pet dieting was easier than human dieting because cats can’t cheat. You won’t find your cat, the article said, breaking down and jolting a burrito or digging around in the refrigerator late at night (as adorable as those two images are). Your cat only eats what you put in your bowl. End of story.But it’s not that easy, I say to the writer of this article, who obviously doesn’t live in New York, a city where you don’t ask if you have a cockroach problem, you ask what kind of cockroach problem you have.
What kind of cockroach problem do we have? We don’t have that many, but the ones that are around are big. Like, Gary Larsen cockroaches-playing-cards-and-carrying-briefcases big. After doing some research following the latest sighting a few weeks ago, we figured out that they are waterbugs, something that sounds about the opposite of you’re picturing in your head right now. They are not cute. In fact, ”Waterbugs” is just a friendly way of saying “the largest species of American cockroach, the kind often used in pranks and horror films.”
The good news is (if there can be good news associated with the largest species of cockroach) that waterbugs need very warm, damp environments. Usually, they live in basements around hot water pipes and hot water heaters. Although they don’t actually live in our apartment, every once and a while they’ll get lost or go forging and come up to first floor apartments through drains and things.
It’s not as bad as it sounds. Sure, it feels like getting punched in the stomach each time I happen upon one, but they’re just bugs. And they’re visitors, not tenets. But – they are bad in a different, more important way. They might be screwing up Ripley’s diet.
She had her first encounter this week. And as terrifying as these bugs are to me, they are like Six Flags for Rips. Even after the roach was long gone, Ripley began a vigil near the washer and dryer where it was spotted and now spends the majority of her time there, like it’s her own personal critter vending machine.
I’m torn over this. Sure, she’s controlling our pest problem and getting some exercise during the chase, but how many calories are in those guys? I mean, they’re huge. A quick Google search of “Calories in a cockroach” only led to me now knowing more about the cockroach metabolism than is necessary to live a full life. I did learn, however, that roaches are pretty much 100% protein. Maybe Ripley needs her power breakfast, just like me.
Today I feel like I could take over the world. I feel alert, awake, full of energy, and especially smart and clever. I feel like I’m listening to feel-good high-octane 80s music, even though I’m not listening to any music at all. Not only could I take over the world, but the world wouldn’t even put up a fight – it would see the determination in my face hear the blood rushing through my veins and gingerly throw down its gun and put up its hands. Yes, the personified world carries a gun.
More importantly, it’s almost noon now and I don’t feel so hungry that my every thought is clouded by intricate food fantasies – for example, using a hot, thick piece of nan to sop up five equally unrecognizable-but-delicious dishes at the Indian food buffet down the street. I can almost smell it.
So what did I do differently today? I ate scrambled eggs for breakfast.
I’ve been reading a lot about what you should eat for breakfast recently, because I keep getting all of these mixed messages. All I know for sure, though, is that I’ve never been very good at the meal. On most weekday mornings, what with the prospect of drudgery at the office and a heartbreaking kitty alarm going off at my feet, morale is low. I usually eat a bowl or whole grain cereal or a granola bar. Then, inevitably, I end up starving at 10 AM, unable to function due to a looped storyline in my head involving a Hawaiian pizza and a vat of garlic butter sauce.
It seemed that most of the experts and studies say protein is the answer – it keeps you full longer, helps your energy levels, and is best for weight control. It even helps with hangovers. Complex carbs, most people agreed, should be eaten in the middle of the day.
And even though you might say that eggs take a long time to prepare in the morning, it really didn’t cut into my routine at all. I mean, it’s a just couple of eggs. They cooked while I packed my lunch. (I was also reading on the internet that a lot of people microwave their eggs in the morning, which is even faster). It was also kind of nice to eat something real and warm.
I guess I shouldn’t get so excited about this, seeing that I’ve only tried it for a day and don’t have a lot of data on it just yet. And I guess I shouldn’t be that surprised that eggs, a mainstay breakfast food that has been popular for centuries, is a good thing to eat for breakfast. But I just can’t help it – I am absolutely enamored with eggs today.
I was also reading about other high-protein ideas for breakfast, and it was even more freeing. Why are we so close-minded about breakfast? We don’t have to eat breakfast foods at all! We can eat tuna sandwiches and roasted chicken and tofu! No one can stop us!
Has anyone out there eaten high-protein breakfasts for an extended period of time? Is it effective? Am I going to crash this afternoon, shaking and drooling, curled in a ball under my desk? Am I going to develop an incapacitating egg dependency problem, in which I have to eat more and more eggs to find my original egg high – an egg problem that will haunt my days and tear apart all that I have built? I sincerely hope not.