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Some of you might recall that a few weeks ago I claimed that Britney Spears hasn’t yet hit rock bottom because she’s financially secure – unlike TLC or Vanilla Ice or MC Hammer, she seemed to be far from having to trade in her sports car for a bicycle or having to move back in with her mom. As much as people say that money doesn’t have anything to do with happiness, I’m going to say that you can’t really be in the depths of despair, the lowest of the low, when you have millions in the bank.This, of course, was before I read this article on CNN about where Britney keeps her money. The answer is: she simply doesn’t. The official court papers show that while Brit spends, per month, $50,000 on her two mortgages, $16,000 on clothes, $15,000 on her baby daddy, and $100,000 on entertainment and gifts, she is putting exactly $0 into investments and savings accounts. She gives exactly $500 dollars in charity.
This does not bode well for her. I don’t care how catchy her new song “oh oh Baby” is (the answer: extremely catchy), Britney has a limited shelf life whether or not she has a successful comeback in the next few years. I mean, if I were that well off, I would at least pay someone to care about my money situation and future security so I didn’t have to – you know, like an accountant or someone? More than the drinking, the unprotected sex, and the hitting people with her car without a license, her financial situation seems to paint the picture of how destructive (or just stupid?) she has been behaving.
And now for the comparison: how am I doing in this aspect of life? Well, even though I make as much in a year as Brit spends of cute shoes and half shirts in a two month period, I’m putting away 6.5 percent of my income (which is generously matched by my employer). And I save 100 percent of the money I make freelancing, which, in a year, comes to as much as Britney pays Fed-Ex a month for cornrow upkeep, releasing failed rap albums, and weirdo hat purchases. I spend exactly as much a month as Britney does on charity aggressively paying off my student loans, which is a charity in its own way, helping the poor student Sarah of the past.
The way things are going now, even though Britney grossed almost exactly 10,000 times as much money as I did last year, I might end up in the same nursing home as she does. Now I just have to make sure my old lady abs are flatter and less wrinkly than hers.