fat ripsThis is a picture of my cat, Ripley. I’m hoping it will be her “Before” picture sometime in the future. At first I told myself she was just fuzzier than other cats but recently her weight has become an issue that I can no longer ignore. When people come over to our apartment and meet her they always immediately declare, “Good God, that’s a fat cat!” or sometimes, “Jesus Christ, that’s an enormous animal!” Either way, the sentiment is the same: my cat has a weight problem. She’s not just fuzzy or thick, she’s overweight. Obese. Fat enough to perform in the VMAs.

Ben blames Ripley’s weight on what he calls her “office job,” which consists of her sitting in our bedroom window all day and looking at things – stray cats, the occasional bird, Greeks, the homeless. She used to spend a few hours at The Office each day, but now she often works late or goes in early. It’s very sedentary compared to her old life in Montana when she would spend her days and many of her nights stalking through the wilderness and chasing various creatures.

It’s probably also bad that I tend to ascribe human thoughts and feeling to Ripley, which I’ve learned from Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, is a bad thing to do with animals. Even worse, though, is that I don’t just ascribe human thoughts and feelings to Ripley, I ascribe MY human thoughts and feelings to her. No wonder she’s always hungry and depressed.

In any case, we’ve put her on a diet. According to the internet, we should be feeding her ½ cup of dry food a day – food that has lots of protein, fewer carbs (which cats can barely process since they are carnivores) and very little ash (why do any of these foods contain ash?). We should also be playing with her as much as we can. We should also weigh her every two weeks to chart her progress. Her starting weight is 22 pounds. According to vets on the internet, that is biiiiig.

(Note to anyone trying to weigh a cat: although it might seem hilarious to your girlfriend to try to weigh a cat by placing it on the scale, watching it run away before any numbers are recorded, catching it, and placing it on the scale again, over and over, there is an easier process. 1) Weigh yourself. 2) Weight yourself holding the cat 3) Subtract.)

Anyway, I’ll be making updates on how the diet goes. Ripley is really excited about it even though she feels bad that she got into this state in the first place. I just know it.