lifetimeJesse Wells has it all – money, a loving family, a great boyfriend to have sex with during moving jazz standards, a job helping people in wheelchairs, a beautifully toned bare midriff, and a vague trophy she wins for riding horses during the opening credits. Unfortunately, having it all also means having schizophrenia.

Before I go on, I should point out that Jesse is played by Josie Bissett, Jane from Melrose Place. For those of you still feigning ignorance, Jane was the long-suffering good girl on the show and the only cast member who was not utterly insane. In Dare to Love, it seems like Bissett is trying to catch up for lost time by being as crazy as Kimberly and Sydney put together, all stuffed into a 90-minute movie.

The disease begins to display itself when Jesse’s brother dies suddenly, this time during a moving oboe solo. She begins hearing voices and acting erratically. She attempts suicide. Even worse, she tries to make out with her dad. Her mother also begins to suffer from some sort of disorder, in which she becomes extremely shrill whenever she tries to act.

Jesse runs away and becomes a stripper (like Sydney!) and starts wearing exclusively animal print outfits that expose her midriff, but in the bad way. She assaults her mother a few times – just like I know she always wanted to assault someone at Melrose. Her parents put her in an institution and move on with their lives, but still, her boyfriend dares to love her no matter what (like Michael never did!).

Eight years pass. A new drug for schizophrenia is developed, clozapine, and it quickly becomes apparent that clozapine has funded the movie. Jesse is miraculously healed – we’re talking 100 percent better – and she leaves the institution and runs back into the arms of her boyfriend. In the meantime, several people comment on what a wonderful wonder drug clozapine is, although one doctor very quickly mentions its limitations and side effects.

Apparently, an equal dose of clozapine and daring to love (600 mg) will cure every last trace of anyone’s psychotic and suicidal behavior. And that’s a big load off of my mind. Cue credits. And jazz standard.