brit 3The race between me and Britney Spears has heated up even more this week. Not only did the court decide that Britney was unfit to care for her children, it also decided that Kevin Federline – a grown man who doesn’t seem to know how to tie his shoes – would be a better pick. Add to this her divorce earlier this year and her recent estrangement with her mother, and Britney is now alone in the world, if you don’t count asshole singer Howie Day and a mountain of coke. And I usually don’t.

Unlike some people, I’m not upset that Britney has lost custody of her children, and it’s not only because my goal in life is to be more loved, successful, and toned than her. It’s because she didn’t get her children taken away, she lost them after not being able to follow two simple rules: pass drug tests and see a counselor. If she really put some effort in, I think she could have eked out those two things and kept her kids. At least, I’m convinced I could have in a similar situation (if they gave me a specific list of drugs they were testing for beforehand and didn’t make me see a counselor).

But – I’m also not of the school of people (and Star magazine) who believes that Britney has hit rock bottom. Oh no. She’s got a ways to go, if I remember the details from watching that Vanilla Ice biopic. She hasn’t lost her millions yet, for instance. And she hasn’t gotten into a tour bus accident (perhaps only because she’s not touring) or a jet ski accident or a pyrotechnics accident. She hasn’t gotten bad plastic surgery or been found passed out (completely) naked. And she hasn’t even OD’ed yet. She might be in a freefall right now, but she hasn’t even glimpsed the bottom yet.

I had a less eventful week on my road to success – I’m hoping that this slow and steady thing pans out for me. I had a good week at the gym, especially working on my guns and upper body. I also managed to eat well – at one point even refusing a no-strings-attached jelly donut that I could have eaten in my cubicle without anyone being the wiser. On a wholly different level, I also didn’t shave my head this week, hit anything with a car, botch a photo shoot, or lose custody of my two theoretical children, who, as a theoretical mother, I should have guarded and cared for up until my last responsible, motherly breath. Not like I actually had a photo shoot scheduled in which to botch. Maybe next week.

The most heartening news for me this week wasn’t even about Britney’s custody battle, but about a sex tape that might surface of Britney and some guy she picked up at a bar in Hawaii a few months ago. Now, with all of the sex tapes out there these days, it’s hardly shocking or interesting news and doesn’t speak much to Brit’s descent. But – one detail of the article really made me smile. The dude with the sex tape has had it for months without coming forward. Why did he keep it a secret for so long? Because he said that the sex tape isn’t very interesting and that he was embarrassed that it was so boring. So Brit’s a starfish in bed. That’s something that won’t improve even if she does get another hit single. Point Aswell!

Read last week’s installment of Sarah vs. Spears