Yesterday on my way to work, I was late and got on a later train than usual. I was standing next to someone about my age when he reached his leg out and tapped on my foot. I took it as a harmless, run-of-the-mill subway-jostling mistake.
Then it happened again. And again.
The second time it happened, I looked up from my book as if to say, “Seriously?” and he looked back at me like the dictionary definition of simpering. The third time it happened, I walked briskly away to the other end of the subway car. Did he think he was Larry Craig? I thought, laughing at my own topical humor. What did he want out of this interaction? I was totally creeped out.
A few stops later, I had forgotten about him, found a seat, and gotten lost in my book again. Then, though, my knee was nudged and there he was, sitting next to me, leering at me in a disturbing manner – the only way one can leer.
It was at this point that I devised a plan. I was reading a hardcover book and I pinpointed several large strong good Samaritans nearby who would come to my aid. If he did anything else, I told myself, if he touched me again, I would hit him in the face, plea my case to the good Samaritans during a succinct but moving oration, and then they would finish the job I had started with their various thick crime paperbacks. My song would be sang for many, many ages on many, many subway lines.
But there were only two subway stops left and I got away without further incident. And not doing anything during those first FOUR incidents haunted me throughout the day. Should I have hit him with my hard cover after two toe taps? Three? Why do so many people, including me, let these instances of intimidation and sexual harassment slide by?
What if, every time some dude did something of this sort to me, I did something about it — something that would be really embarrassing for him. What if every time some dude shouted at us in the streets, we shouted back – and not just “Fuck yous!”, but clever comebacks that were, at the same time, extremely degrading and self-esteem-lowering? Why do women think the best response to sexual harassment is walking away and not paying attention? Is it because these men just want attention? Even if that’s the case, I don’t think we should let them get away with it. Is it because we’re afraid of what will happen if we do respond?
Of course, this morning on my way to work, I was late again. I got on the train and there he was again – the very same simpering foot tapper. Leering at some other poor girl. Did he do this every morning, with some different girl? Was it part of his morning commute? Was she, too, reading a hard cover? Again, I did nothing.
On my walk from the subway to work, some other guy shouted “good morning!” at me in the bad way, and when I walked by without saying anything or looking at him, he said, “I said, good morning!” and I did nothing again.
Has anyone ever responded to a sexual harassment issue? How did it go for you? Was part of the problem not really knowing it was sexual harassment until after the fact – do these men operate knowing you’ll be too shocked and confused to act?
P.S. If I were going to sexually harass someone, I’d do something WAY cooler than tap their foot and leer at them. How lame.
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October 31, 2007 at 3:28 am
Manav
I would bend down, pick up a pretend stone, and throw it at the cat callers. See if they duck. I have a friend who has pretended to call someone on her phone, as if to file a complaint. She pointed at the cat callers and mouthed the cross street into her phone, hung up, and walked on. I bet they were a little scared for about 5 minutes… wondering if the police were going to show up.
Regarding the leering subway man, I would’ve taken that as a confrontation. Normally it is enough to make a mini scene, and say “please don’t do that again” in a sort of loud, noticeable voice.
October 31, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Nora Rocket
When people catcall, I like to yell “No one asked for your opinion.” Because it’s true: simply being a woman is not an invitation for people/men to comment. Unforch, due to the nature of what I like to call “The Public Body,” the fact of being female is enough to convince spectators that they have the right to offer opinions, judgements, and bits of input about something that belongs to me, up to and including unwanted touching. Anyway, it’s well spoken enough to take a lowlife aback, and avoids the whole “fuck you, buddy” “you wish, bitch” interchange.
I’ve luckily never been in a subway grope-or-tap-or-purposeful-bump situation before, but I think a solid, clearly pronounced and loud enough to be obviously public “You shall stop that now” would do it–you know, think like you’re talking to a dog about to poo on the carpet: “NO…NO, YOU WILL NOT DO THAT.” This slimeball sounds like a pretty casual toucher and strong public shaming might do it.
Also, I’m glad I’m not the only one who, when carrying a large book, pictures myself dealing some serious pain with it if it came to that.
October 31, 2007 at 1:42 pm
melissa
The only time I can remember retaliating at someone for making an inappropriate comment (because I am much like you, and let it slide usually), was in high school, when a guy made a really inappropriate comment to me and I said, loudly, “Shame on you!” It made everyone look and he was HORRIFIED that I had brought attention to him. Not only did it work, but he was actually respectful towards me for the rest of high school.
October 31, 2007 at 2:46 pm
VickyV
You might be interested in checking out this blog about sexual harassment in NYC out: http://hollabacknyc.blogspot.com/ The premise of the blog is women sharing stories about the street harassment they’ve dealt with and snapping photos of the offenders to humiliate them and fight back. Taking a picture of harassers invades their privacy and scares them more effectively than just yelling back at them or staring them down.
October 31, 2007 at 4:21 pm
Lindsay
I was getting off the trian a few years ago when a couple of High School kids were just getting on and they simataniously grabed my butt then laffed about it to each other, I was shocked and I was just about to walk away “let it slide” but I said outloud “NO” walked back to the doors that were still open put my laptop bag down to prop the door so I could get back off, walked up to the little turds and slapped both of them accross the face people stopped in their tracks and watched and I said in a very stern voice “that was inappropriate, don’t touch my ass”.
Picked up my bag in a very authoratative manner while a couple of bistandards clapped held my head up high and went on my way. I was shaking the rest of the day but I felt good. I didn’t think I’d ever have the “balls” to be able to do that.
October 31, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Adrienne
when I was in high school, I used to yell “Fuck you!” to guys all the time for various forms of sexual harassment – and I never had any ill effects from it. nowadays I usually just scowl at people, though I have similar fantasies about the triumphant conversations and fistfights that might have been. from time to time I still yell back, because it still angers me down to the bones that men are allowed to make women afraid, just because they feel like it.
I often try to describe the difference between harassing catcalls and nice compliments to dave, and what I usually land on is instinct. you can just tell when someone really doesn’t want anything from you, despite thinking that you are pretty. and it is usually not the guy who keeps yelling at you for being frigid as you walk away from him without becoming his maiden bride.
October 31, 2007 at 8:59 pm
akdmyers
I had an English teacher in high school who told us about living in some big city (I don’t remember where) and constantly being groped on the subway, usually at times when it was so crowded you couldn’t necessarily tell who was doing it, which was why guys thought they could get away with it. So she took to grabbing the groping hand in question, raising it up and yelling “Whose hand is this?! Stop touching me!” It usually made a strong impression on the gropers.
November 1, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Alison
It all depends on the situation … in the foot tapping weirdo situation, especially b/c you are in a public place, loudly and clearly ask him to stop touching you and move away. If it continues after that initial incident, get off the train. Also proceed with caution, as you never know if the person is deranged or carrying a weapon.
November 1, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Christian
This is exactly why I am extremelly reluctant to even smile at a woman in a public place. Will she see it as sexual harassment ? If you talk/smile to a woman she might think you are harassing her. If you talk to a man maybe he ll think you re gay. If you talk to a kid BOOM people might think you are a pedofile.
I find the only strangers you can sorta interact with are elderly people.
November 1, 2007 at 4:00 pm
Ben
What I’m getting from this is that to be a non-creepy guy the best policy is to not speak or touch unless spoken to or touched. Good?
November 1, 2007 at 5:15 pm
Christian
Wouldnt that make the woman creepy ?
November 1, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Manav
tapping someone’s foot creepily, multiple times and cat calling are totally different from “talk/smile to a woman” or not speaking unless spoken to. there are ways to have normal conversations without coming off as a psychopath. come ON.
November 1, 2007 at 5:35 pm
Christian
I might come off as a psychopath even if i am trying to be genuinely friendly. I know there are ways, just easier to avoid the possible missunderstandings and keep to myself !
November 1, 2007 at 6:22 pm
Will
What’s “good morning” in the bad way?
November 1, 2007 at 6:35 pm
seaswell
will – good morning in the bad way involves grabbing your crotch.
ben, christian, manav – yeah, it’s hard to know what to do, but i think most women can tell the difference between a man who is trying get off/get power/feel like a man and a man who just wants to meet you. it’s funny, whenever i watch romantic comedies, i always things the things the men do to get the women back (for example, the stereo scene in Say Anything) would be extremely creepy if she didn’t actually like the guy back.
VickyV – that’s a pretty awesome website.
all let everyone know if i manage to act next time this happens.
November 2, 2007 at 2:45 pm
Molly
Thank you for trying to do the right thing, Good Men. Christian, you can smile at women all you want. Just don’t touch/grope/paw them, make comments about their bodies, or imply that you will in some way overpower them or use them. In short, treat every woman the way you would want other dudes to treat your girlfriend, sister, or mother. Easy!
November 3, 2007 at 7:31 pm
Carolyn
I’ve definitely been caught off my guard in situations like this, which usually leave me speechless until after the perpetrator has gotten off the subway or left the bar.
I’ve also been in situations where a guy is doing something that makes me uncomfortable, but he stops just short of “crossing the line” that would make me feel I could complain without coming across as an oversensitive bitch. It sounds like the toe-tapper was doing just that – if he had pinched your butt, you could have yelled and everyone would have thought you were justified. But he tapped your toe, and you wondered, “is he or isn’t he?” Then he nudged your knee, and you waited just a little longer – for one more trespass, for something a little more blatant – to make a scene.
I’ve found that ignoring the guy only “works” in situations where I won’t have to see him again. If it’s someone I have daily contact with, he’ll keep going as long as he can get away with it. But I’ve often kept quiet in those situations because I was afraid that the guy(s) would retaliate if I told anyone.
I do like the idea of whipping out a cell phone in response, if only because it reminds the guy that you can call for help/complain/photograph him – he can’t just harass you with impunity.
November 6, 2007 at 1:42 am
shannon
I usually do nothing, because it takes me a moment to realize, and then confirm in head again, that something offensive has just happend. “Did he say that, Yes He did, did it mean that? Yes it did!”
But one time, I think I won the battle.
I was living in a house of strong, take no prisoners, sort of women. We would come home and tell the horror stories of what happened to us. On one of these nights, I made a commitment, that the next man who tried it was going to get a mouthful from me.
I was at Pete’s Fish Market in Seattle. I went to a smaller fish shop to get some smoked salmon for my land locked parents. And the man at the store made a crude comment about breast.
I reminded myself of my commitment
I stepped in front of the shop and began yelling, “DO NOT BUY FISH HERE! THE FISH ARE CONTAMINATED WITH MISOGNY! THEY WILL TALK ABOUT YOUR BOOBS!” Until security came. I told the security guard what happened and he started laying into the guy. Meanwhile I slipped away, as proud as I could be.
November 12, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Street Harassment: Update! « BROOD
[…] women Tags: feminism, harassment, New York, sexual harassment, women Ever since I posted about a guy bothering me on the train a couple of weeks ago, I have been patiently waiting for my chance to yell at the next guy who […]
November 14, 2007 at 12:21 am
bethyoung
I told my boss about how inappropriate my manager was being to me (again). I cited examples and pulled out my day planner showing her the days that he did it. I let her know that I talked to a lawyer and that she could be in big trouble if she didn’t do something about it. He was their biggest producer, so he was going nowhere. She asked me “how much?” and I told her. She wrote me the check and my husband and I bought a brand new Jeep Cherokee and moved to Denver. How is that?