zicamI’m sick. It came on last night, slow but undeniable – the scratchy throat, the cloudy head, the uncontrollable low moaning while trying to find something to watch on late night TV. A few years ago, this would have ruined my weekend – I would have had to have wasted a precious work sick day on something other than playing hooky, I would have had to cancel a visit from a old high school friend, I would have had to drown my sorrows in gross but colorful downward spiral of Dayquil and Nyquil.

But here I am, at work and going strong. Sure, I still feel a little bad, I’m at about 80%, but I’m on the path to recovery even before I went down the path of coughing, congestion, and the dread raw tissue nose.

The answer is Zicam zinc nose swabs – a real, actual cold remedy. It has been clinically proven to cut colds from an average of nine days of symptoms to three days – and to make those symptoms much less severe. Not only that, but it’s totally homeopathic, not unpleasant, and affordable.

Why doesn’t everyone on earth know and use this product? I would have thought that when we discovered a cure for the common cold that we’d have a ticker tape parade or at least a moment of silence or a cupcakes or something. Instead, I feel like people barely know about it.

It’s one of those products that I wish I did the advertising for – I’m pretty sure that between me and my mom (the only person more enthusiastic about Zicam than I am) we’ve sold more boxes of the stuff than their teeny, piddling marketing department, which, as far as I can tell, has had one small, bad commercial campaign. If I did a commercial, it would just be someone shouting, “They have a motherf**king cure for the common cold! Stockpile it, motherf**kers!” This may or may not be why I don’t’ have a job in advertising.

The only other thing I can think of is that other companies that profit from cold medicines (which I don’t need to buy at all anymore) are keeping Zicam down – but how?

I mean, sure, some people complain that they don’t like sticking the swabs into their nose. But is that worse than having your nose filled with snot for a week? Other people say it hurts their sense of smell, but again, does it hurt your sense of smell more than a thick, yellow wall of mucus does? I guess some people have different opinions about everything. And some people don’t think it works. But the trick is that you have to use it as soon as you feel the first symptom. I carry the stuff around in my purse. I even take one before and after I go on planes, what with their closed circulation germ factories.

Part of me thinks that it would be more popular if it were more expensive or if it was more complicated than just being simply one natural, safe substance. Either way, you should buy some and keep it around for the next time you get the sniffles or a scratchy throat. You’ll thank me later, when you use all of your leftover sick days to go on a mini vacation. Motherf**kers.