Writing about BOGO HOs and my new-albeit-imaginary ad campaign for Payless Shoes this morning got me thinking about hos in general.

This past summer, Ben and I took a long weekend to drive up the cost of New England, stopping in Boston to see my high school friends one night, camping on an island off the coast of Maine the next, and camping in rural Vermont the next. It was just about as idyllic as one might imagine – seafood was consumed, old friends were seen, rivers were swam in, drunk people were hollered at.

However, it involved a lot of car time – five to eight hours each day. And you can only have adult conversations and listen to mix CDs for so long before things start to deteriorate. Deep into the second day, a car game called The Ho Game was organically grown out of nothing but our boredom and the open road.

The game is simple. You ask a riddle that has an answer that describes a specific type of ho. And your answer must rhyme. As you might guess, they start pretty simple and get more complicated, until they don’t make much sense any more. For example:

  • What do you call a late prostitute? A SLOW HO.
  • What do you call the loose woman who towed away your car? A REPO HO.
  • What do you call a promiscuous woman whose mother had trouble conceiving? AN IN VITRO HO.
  • What do you call a slut who stays at home? A NO GO HO.
  • What do you call a slut who enjoys cardio-boxing? A TAE BO HO.
  • What do you call a New York City whore who lives south of Houston, west of Lafayette, north of Canal, and east of Varick? A SOHO.
  • What do you call a loose woman with her hands on her hips? ARMS AKIMHO (also acceptable: ARMS AKIMBO HO).
  • What do you call a whorish pirate? A YO-HO.

I’m not sure if these translate well onto paper. Or if they translate well spoken, either, now that I start to think about it. Oh well. Either way, it made the car trip fly by, especially after we started playing spin-off games. (The Whore Game: What do you call a ho characterized by coy shyness and reservation? A DEMURE WHORE, etc., etc.).

Even when we’re not on a car trip – like sometimes late at night, when we’re both awake but quiet, Ben will say, holding me tight, “Sarah, what do you call a trampy tramp?” And in my heart, I know exactly what I’d call her.

Please feel free to share your own additions.

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